Part of me creating this blog was driven by my experiences both positives and negatives. Whether it relates to relationships, family systems, stigmatism, trauma, I can go on & on. I’ve had my fair share of growing up in a vicious cycle of cynicism. It took so many years for me to become empathetic. I didn’t always care about other’s feelings; I didn’t always try my best to be truthful because I wasn’t always comfortable in my skin. I treated those around me with the same pain that was inflicted on me because I thought it was just to do that.
At sixteen I met a man, and he was a good man who wanted the best for me and he told me and showed me this periodically, but because of the way I was raised I thought he wasn’t accepting me for who I was (back in the day I sure used to do some reckless things). This man poured his all into me, there were times I didn’t know if I would eat or if my phone bill would get paid and he made sure he took care of all that. At this time I was living on the last stop on the A’ train in Far Rockaway, Queens he traveled from Staten Island to Queens every day sometimes even straight from his late night shift. Because I wasn’t raised on love but survival, I couldn’t love him properly. I had no job or goals, but he made sure he spoke life into me every-day. No one ever told me about myself the way I carried myself, or how I can come off as rude or disrespectful. I had a lot of yes men who only told me what they thought I wanted to hear because it made them comfortable for me to stay in that same position. He didn’t want to see me regular, so he told me things no one ever did, even if he thought it would make me feel uncomfortable because in order for you to grow you have to grow out your comfort zone. To make a long story short, I was with him for about five years and each day during that relationship I never thought I was the problem, I always believed it was him, till after our break-up.
As I got older I realized I was raised from pure brokenness, so as I became a full adult I’ve sought that in my relationships, even down to my career (social worker) because I operate best under grief. Till this day I’m not too sure if it’s my downfall or the empath in me. I’ve been destroyed and let down in so many different ways whether it from family members, or men I’ve had relationships with, that I subconsciously destroyed someone else, someone I thought I loved, and not because he did anything wrong but because I wasn’t happy with who I was as a person. I can honestly say that part of the reason why I’m so successful internally & externally is because of the lessons I’ve learned in that relationship, but I did so at the expense of his mental health & broken heart.
Don’t wait till it’s too late, people that truly love you will tell you things you don’t want to hear. Step out your comfort zone and look at yourself deeply, what are trauma’s you’ve faced and is that affecting the relationships you have with those around you? I’m asking you to ask yourself these questions because no one ever deserves to be broken because you are. It’s not fair for you to project your trauma’s onto someone. Deal with that s***, because we’re all going around trying to prove points when it can all be avoided by just being real with ourselves and practicing self-love. Your mother or father let you down? Confront that & let it go, your ex broke your heart, cheated on you and left you hurt? Confront that & let it go. Cause the next person may truly and whole-heartedly want to see you win, but you won’t be able to see that because you're still fighting losses. #Onelove